menu Menu
Finding the Light
A Gentle Upswing from Manic Depression
By Rose Rutkowski Posted in Uncategorized on November 15, 2020 27 Comments
A Tree of My Own Previous Full Next

Today is not going to last forever. Today is a good day. Surprisingly, for the first time in months, I haven’t been able to pick out a few moments of pure joy to focus on. My day has been pure-joy, scattered with moments to watch float away, as I release them and soak in the rest. And it is rare. Almost as rare as I like my steak.

It’s a cool feeling, literally a sensation of chill over my skin, sinking into my bones. Like the flames are receding; cool water poured over a sunbathed boulder. I’m steaming. And it’s not even a little bit unpleasant.

I’m drinking a Capri-Sun (hugely underrated) and drinking in the feeling of being a kid again. I don’t know how long it will last. It’s not an upswing. Well, considering the last few months it definitely is, but not in a scary way. I’m not afraid I’m going hypomanic, I’m not afraid of losing my sense of reality.

Instead, I feel like I’m regaining it. And that’s never a permanent place. Self awareness, contentment, joy, peace: these are journeys. These are not destinations. These are not things that can be fully attained, but things we can learn and grow and become and move ever towards.

In Christianity, they call it sanctification: to become like Christ, fully. Buddhists call it Nirvana. Eastern spiritual philosophy calls it enlightenment. But it’s all the same thing, the same goal we’re all working towards. Finding meaning, peace, and purification for whatever our spirits are, here in this plane. Unfortunately, perfection doesn’t exist. Not here.

So knowing all of that, I can move forward, confident that I’m on the right path. Working towards that, always. Allowing myself to gather the joy and pure happiness to me as easily as I do the bad. Allowing myself to feel the hard things and to work towards breaking chains that hold me from my ultimate goal. Allowing myself all of this human experience.

There’s a lot that comes along with it. Guilt, self-contempt, anger, jealousy, judgment, self-righteousness, pain. More guilt. But.


There are also days like today. And, though they don’t often last, in between them I can still seek and search for those small moments. Pretty little pockets of time when it all feels…okay. But for right now, right this very minute, I’m going to relish in this feeling- and let the rest float away.

I live for days like today.

bipolar-2 bipolar2 Complicated Grief depression Grief Healing hypomania Mental Health Mental Illness

Previous Next

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Cancel Post Comment

  1. Thank you taking us on this ride through your mental space so we can see…even if for only a moment…another beautiful layer of you.

  2. Thanks for the feedback! That’s an interesting point. I suppose there are many reasons, internal and external, why we do not accomplish all that we might. Regardless, I am thankful for the Lord’s grace in that. Thanks again!

  3. Thanks for a marvelous posting! I quite enjoyed reading it, you can be a great author.
    I will always bookmark your blog and definitely will come
    back very soon. I want to encourage continue your great work, have a nice weekend!

  4. I am sorting out relevant information about gate io recently, and I saw your article, and your creative ideas are of great help to me. However, I have doubts about some creative issues, can you answer them for me? I will continue to pay attention to your reply. Thanks.