There are days when you wake up and magic courses through your fingertips. Days when your soul feels warm and your heart feels glad to be alive. Days when you wake ready to fill your universe with as much love and light as possible.
And then there are Todays.
Today you don’t feel like Magic.
Or anything good at all.
Today you feel like the world might be better off without you in it.
No, this isn’t a ploy for sympathy, attention, or anything to else do with Ego.
This is real life when you have a mental illness. Or a few, as the case may be.
There are days when you wake up and think: “Holy fuck, I might be the worst person on earth.”. And then your thoughts do everything they can to convince you that it’s true.
Today, my mind has tried to convince me of some pretty crazy shit.
If we’re being honest, it’s been trying to convince me of some crazy shit for a long time. That’s why I’ve been in therapy for three years. That’s why I talk to literally everyone I know about mental health. That’s why I’m so hard on myself. That’s why I work really hard to combat days like today.
Because I know that if you don’t, you might succumb to them.
Darkness resides inside all of us, right? None of us are perfect, right? There are people out there who do unspeakably evil things, right?
So why am I convinced that the world would be better off without me in it?
A lot of it is shame, guilt, fear, resentment. All of those negative emotions take up so much space in my head sometimes, that it’s hard to hear anything else with all of that rattling around. I haven’t found any magic-switch that turns it off.
Spending time with my family helps. My husband and my son ground me. But I’m an introvert and sometimes even that gets me. Especially if my husband is cranky or my son is combative. Both leave me feeling more uncomfortable and wanting to pull deeper into myself.
Being outside helps when it’s not nine-million degrees and buggy. When I can find a nice spot to perch and observe. When I can dig my toes into the ground, feel the dew tickle my soles. But wherever I am, there too are the thoughts.
Writing helps the most, I think. I guess that’s why I’m writing this now. It gets me out of my head and gives me space to think out loud (without appearing more mentally-unstable than I already am…maybe). It helps to cleanse my mind in a way, especially if I can read it all back afterward and maybe see it in a new way. Fiction works, but this journal-style blogging seems to work better.
I don’t know. Maybe someone out there feels just as shitty as I do today. Maybe someone needs to know that they’re not alone. You’re not. I’m right here with you. Trudging along, not giving up, giving it my best shot.
And no, the world won’t be better without us in it. The world will still be the world. It will turn and decay and continue on as if we never graced it.
Your world would not.
The people that hold you closest, the ones you love the most and with the most heart, they would not be better off without you.
Your family, your friends, your online friends, your plants, your cat, your fan-page, your team, your therapist… whoever it is, whatever it is: there’s something out there that needs you specifically. If you can’t do it for you, do it for them. Do it for them until you can do it for you.
Your world needs you.
I see you