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Rose Rutkowski
Rose Rutkowski
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Finding the Light

A Gentle Upswing from Manic Depression

Today is not going to last forever. Today is a good day. Surprisingly, for the first time in months, I haven’t been able to pick out a few moments of pure joy to focus on. My day has been pure-joy, scattered with moments to watch float away, as I release them and soak in the […]

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It's a poem about the f*cking moon, idk anymore. 

The moon smiled; it was almost time. She stretched and flexed, laying down closer to the horizon for her best, most delicious angle. Any second. She could almost feel the warmth before he crested. She shuddered in anticipation. Slowly, so agonizingly slowly, the first tendrils of his rays peaked over the mountains to the east. […]

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Overcoming Bipolar-2

Coping Mechanisms for Hypomania and Depression

I live with and deal quite effectively with multiple mental illnesses. One of them is Bipolar-2 which means that I experience hypo-manic episodes (an increase in activity and productivity accompanied by an overwhelming sensation of not knowing when to shut-the-fuck-up, and some minor impulse control problems.) This is followed by a longer and more aggressive […]

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And How to Get Through Them

There are days when you wake up and magic courses through your fingertips. Days when your soul feels warm and your heart feels glad to be alive. Days when you wake ready to fill your universe with as much love and light as possible. And then there are Todays. Today you don’t feel like Magic. […]

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Dreams That Speak to the Sad Girl

A Poem

Dusk. A cliff. Below: clouds, a river of them Flowing between The valley of my heart. The sun sunk beneath The red cotton wisps. Is this A river of blood Or the river of souls? I’m turning. Turning. A whirlwind unpinned and flipped Inside out. behind these irises I feel it pick me up. Catapult […]

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This Feels Wierd

Complicated Grief Through Bloodshot Eyes (Part 2)

There’s this duality to everything I’ve experienced in the last week. Aching heartache. Overwhelming relief. A constant lump in my throat and a very limited ability to actually cry. Remorse. Joy. Gladness and anger. Confusion. Raw, savage clarity—the kind you wouldn’t wish on your worst enemy. Goes something like this. Trigger (and there’s a million […]

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What the Fuck?

Complicated Grief Through Bloodshot Eyes

“I don’t know man.” “This sucks.” “What the fuck.” “I just don’t get it.” “I don’t know.” I have repeated each of these about a billion times since Friday afternoon. For a period it felt like all I was capable of saying. It’s Monday. My husband had to go back to work, and I have […]

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Maybes and Adolescent Optimism. 

When I was a little girl, Heaven was a very clear view in my mind. A gleaming city with golden streets, up and down which angels marched, blasting their trumpets in eternal celebration. A place out of every utopian fantasy. A place with no suffering, eternal worship, and peace. As I grew older, my worldly […]

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Making Lemonade

Channeling Anxiety into Productivity and Creativity

I love those funny YouTube videos: stress/anxiety as a person that follows you around and ruins your day. It’s a cute analogy. If my anxiety was a person, she wouldn’t be the all-in-black, vampiric, nightmare that usually comes to mind. If my anxiety was a person, she’d be a Mary-Sue. A bright, peppy, middle-aged white […]

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My Experience With Mental Illness and Creativity

As a Mutual Partnership.

Maybe it’s just me, but I feel like my atypical brain has contributed to my life in insurmountable ways, namely through my ability to think outside the box. If the box is “normalcy”, I’ve spent my life trying to fit into it, like a cat that found an empty twelve-pack. Except, I don’t fit. I […]

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